There are two directions you can move in your mind. Towards something — a goal, an image, a version of yourself you want to become. Or away from something — a fear, a failure, an experience you do not want to repeat.
Both can motivate. But they create very different results over time.
Most mothers are moving in one of two directions. Either towards a positive image of the mum they want to be — someone they admired, an ideal, a feeling. Or away from a bad experience with their own mother, determined not to repeat it.
Here is where it gets dangerous. If you are moving away from your own mother — away from her failures, her neglect, her anger, whatever it was — what are you thinking about constantly?
Her. The failures. The neglect. The anger.
You are focused on the behaviours you are trying to avoid. And here is what the brain does with that: it prepares you for them. It runs simulations of them. It looks for them in every situation.
The things you think about most will express themselves in your actions, behaviours, and eventually your results.
This is the trap. You are so focused on not becoming the bad mother that you are thinking about the bad mother constantly. And that thinking starts to leak.
The solution is not to try harder to not think about it. That does not work. What works is replacing the focus entirely.
Instead of away from what you do not want — move towards what you do want. Not as an image you are chasing, but as a decision you are making every day.
What kind of mum do you want to be? Not compared to anyone else. Not as a performance. What does it actually look like to show up well — for yourself, and for your children?
- Define what you are moving towards, not what you are running from
- Your focus determines your thoughts — your thoughts determine your actions
- You cannot escape a fear by concentrating on it
- Replace the away goal with a towards goal and your mind shifts accordingly